I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
