You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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