you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
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