My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
