Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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