the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
