it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
