Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
