Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
