can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
