Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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