Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
