Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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