yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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