At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
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bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
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No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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