ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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