well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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