I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
