Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
