Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
27 Times The Kardashian-Jenner Clan Absolutely Slayed at NYFW
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.