Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
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the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
where are you?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
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We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
gay sex achievement: unlocked
you told me you were going out for groceries!!