woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor