I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.