so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
