grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
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Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
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Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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