You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
