Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
