You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
