I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
