I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
