i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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