I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
