You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
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Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
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I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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