I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
