Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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