if only i could text you this smell
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
