we have officially mastered the walk of shame
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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