I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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