Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
