Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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