i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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