dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
