hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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