I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I just cut my nipple shaving
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
