Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
