John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
