Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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