is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
