If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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