watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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