From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
