Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I smell like Dick and happiness
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
