Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
she was so not down for the gang bang
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
