its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Randomize
